I need to test something so this is a tesssssst
CatrionaIsCrazy
Botulism doesn't pay the bills.
Tag Archives: crazy
Everything is Fine
Trigger Warning Made in a facility that processes death.
I lost my Mom, my cat, and my dog within 5 months. All three of them had been with me for decades. Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been alive longer than I had my mom. When my cat died (her sister having died about a year prior) I decided that I didn’t want another cat unless it was a Maine Coon. Since I am cheap, I knew damn well that wasn’t happening anytime soon. They are thousands.
A few days ago, in the pet store for dog treats, I looked up and saw a Maine Coon looking Kitten. When I got closer it was exactly what I wanted. He looked mixed but was huge for his age. His sister was also available, she was tiny. Of course, better half fell in love with the tiny one. I immediately wanted the male. I followed the directions posted: go to the website, fill out application on the cat you want, bla bla. He wasn’t listed. So, I sent a text to the organization just asking if he was available and just thought: Well, I will leave it up to the Universe.
Well, the Universe had plans for sure. I was interested in one kitten. But, within the hour of making contact with the rescue, I was headed home with two. I fuckkkkkked up. Fuck me running.
Send help. LOL.
Catriona
XOXOXO
Be Kind
One of the things I received for my birthday this year was this amazing necklace that makes me laugh every time I think about it.
Catriona
XOXOXOX
Douchebag
(Trigger Warning – allll the suicided)
Several months ago I stepped down from my position and moved departments. Took a pay cut.
The department I was in was so toxic. We are talkin’ daily verbal and professional assault. It was fuckin’ terrible. It was really hard to let go of my people, the team I built from the ground up. It was hard to give up and walk away. I spent three years being a buffer for these people. Helping them navigate a pandemic. Keeping them out of harms way and taking the punches. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The burnout is real.
I moved to the ICU in a lesser position. It’s been an experience, for sure. I have been in a supervisor role for so long that being in a role where I have no say in anything was refreshing and fucking weird. The people I work for and with are fantastic. I’d follow them to hell and back, so having no control is fine with me. They are so kind. I’m grateful for the break.
I worked really closely with ICU for years so the move wasn’t really a big change other than the work environment improved 100%. They asked for me, and I’m so glad they did. Because, I don’t know that I would have moved on my own. I loved the team I built and feared what would happen when I left (turns out everything I feared unfolded about a week after I transferred. Ugh).
May is their birthday week. It’s also our anniversary month. While at work, one of the ICU nurses that I work closely with asked me a question that I answered truthfully. It led to me giving a quick synopsis of their suicide and the aftermath. The nurse, Jon, spun around and looked me in the eyes and said: “Wow, what a douchebag”. When I say I laughed, oh my stars. That’s the first time I’ve had that reaction from someone. I laughed and replied “Yeah, a little”. Jon started to apologize. I was still laughing. Truthfully, it was a welcome response. Had it been 5 years ago this would have put me in mental choke hold. I explained that, and that he had no reason to be sorry. I then explained that for the most part, they didn’t have a choice in their thoughts or actions; I told Jon the diagnosis. I will never forget his response. Never. Because it was the first time anyone had ever completely understood the situation. He locked eyes with me and said “So, they blamed you then. They left a note blaming you didn’t they?”. The world spun. It fuckin’ spun for the first time in a while. I’d never told anyone. Jon went on to say something to the effect of (don’t quote me here my brain was coming to a full stop at this point): “people with that diagnosis, their chemicals are all messed up and they blame the spouse.” I’d never had anyone understand the situation, or connect the dots so completely like that. I never had anyone point this out. I don’t think I knew this was common.
He had no idea what he did for my soul that day. She did leave a note. She did blame me. I blamed me. I blame me even though I know logically it wasn’t in my hands.
It’s true that ICU is a different animal. Apparently it’s the one I didn’t even know I needed.
XOXOX
Catriona
Deck everybody’s halls.
I’ve been trying to get into the Holiday spirt. It’s not working.
Here’s some photos of me faking it. LOL.
XOXOX
Catriona
What is under your bed?
Books?
Dirty socks?
Porn?
Penis socks? OH MY STARS, IF IT ISSSSSS PENIS SOCKS I WANT TO SEEEEEEEEE!
Can you guess what’s under my bed?
Did you guess Ramen?
NO? Well you obviously don’t have kids pftttt.
This is parenting. Duh.
Catriona
XOXOXOX
I should just write “Titties”.
Whoooooa. I didn’t expect the response I got from you all when I popped back on here. LOL. I opened my email, and my messages to such lovely notes. HUGS. Thank you for that. It was needed. Seriously.
Did anyone else read “Titties” when reading my last tittle? No? It’s just me? Oh well. Every time I see it I find myself thinking “My titties never match my content? What? Oh. HA. duh.”
For the love of coffee, the new format for WordPress and these “Blocks” shenanigans are rather annoying. I need to mess with it more because my stars is it pissing me off. Or, maybe it’s the lack of coffee. Yeah. It’s the lack of coffee.
Oh look a new block.
AND ANOTHER ONE!
“Type / to choose a block” BITCH WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!? Yeah. It’s definitely the lack of coffee.
Wait. Hold on. Maybe theses blocks and I can be friends; A few clicks and you guys can see all the weird shit in my google photos. Aren’t you lucky? hahah.
Alright. Well. I have to take one of the kids to the dentist. So, pants. I guess.
Catriona XOXOX
My titles never match my content anyway
It’s crazy to think it’s only been the last two years that I can say my head and life are back in order. Looking back on some of my posts.. it’s crazy to see how long I’ve been gone (from here) and just how messy my brain was then.
I miss being here. I miss writing. I always mean to stop by even for a few mins. A few sentences. And with the exception of the last two years, I have drafts and drafts of entries I always meannnnn to publish. Lol.
I think I am going to try to set a goal to write more (in the open), because the last two years I’ve held down a business and a full time job. I’ve done nothing but those two things. I haven’t even been reading, no time. Just work and sleep.
Rushing in to catch up on all of you, I was shocked to see how many followers I’d lost. Like, really lost. Passed. I’m gutted I didn’t know. It makes sense, unfortunately, as you know: Covid. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about it.
I decided I needed to start reading again, no matter how busy I am. That’s how I ended up here. To catch up on all of you. There’s a lot of you, so it will take me a bit. I’m not as all over the place as I once was, you know, after (I forgot my own rules, do I tell you guys my spouse’s name? Lmao) died. So let’s hope I can keep my own attention long enough to get to all of you. Ahahah
Let’s do a photo dump for old times sake, see what’s in mah phone. Shall we?
Hahah. My phone is a weird place.
Hugs,
Catriona xoxox
I think it’s time for a dump.
A photo dump, that is.. Hahaha
Let’s see what weird crap is on my phone. ..
Someone sent this to me and I think I laughed for an hour.
I donno who Jose is, but I must have liked his post. Lmao
Hahaha hah FYI!
Oh, I made this. Hahah. That’s my favorite of all my antique frames.
The water and sunsets on this side, are so, so beautiful!
Yep, that lives in my phone.
Yeah, I went there. This also lives in my phone. And I laugh every time I see it.
💚💚💚💚💚
For the record here: I DID NOT intent to post this. I knew it was in my phone, but didn’t even see it when I went looking… Then my screen went black and it had populated here…… … Let’s just move along..
Hahaha THIS.
Annnnnnd there you have it.
I hope you all are well. I miss you all. I have not forgotten about you. I hope to have the time to post more and read more. Some of the people I have met here have truly made a difference in my life, and I am so grateful for all of you. Except you. And Maybe you. You know who you are.
So… Tell me how you all are!!!
Xoxoox
Catriona
Floating around in nothingness.
I’m having such a hard time with life. My marriage was a disaster in the end. It truly was. But, the first few years before she became ill were fantastic. I’m not even sure what I am doing any more.
I’m wounded.
Probably more than I’ve ever been in my life. As of February 8th, two years ago, I clutched the phone with my head and shoulder as I pulled the lifeless body of my wife from our bed to the floor for resuscitation.. A day I see every day, several times a day, when both awake and asleep, relentlessly. Treatment for the subsequent PTSD and anxiety disorders are a joke. Even my doctors have called it, collectively. She was the only person I ever truly loved aside from my son. My wife was without oxygen for a damaging amount of time, something they told me while I stood in the ICU for a week could take her away from us mentally, physically, or both.
When she eventually woke, she was no longer my wife. The person I brought back from death wasn’t MY wife at all. And even tho she lived, I swear I died in that room that day. Our situation both before and after that day broke me. I cried everyday where she couldn’t see because I couldn’t help her, because no one could help us, Because she was so messed up, because I was so messed up. I broke under the pressure. She beat on me emotionally and physically because of her issues, yet I would do it again, truly I would. I know she knew what she was doing half the time. And the other half I think her soul was being called somewhere else and she had no idea what she was doing. She told me the day I moved out that we would be married again some day, that we needed to heal apart, that she loved me, that it was killing her to see me go. Months later I could see both deep love and deep hate in her eyes. We got worse apart, not better. I truly believed one day I’d get MY wife back, some day, maybe years but, maybe one day. I would have walked thru hell (and in some ways I did) to heal her, to have kept her, MY HER. After years of failing to help her I was resentful because I was drowning/hurting/helpless and couldn’t see the light. I made mistakes at the end of our relationship. Not the ones I was accused of, but mistakes nonetheless. I will carry them with me everyday. A few weeks ago, short of the two year mark, she died.
She was no longer my wife, or mine in any way.
My son’s other parent is gone, and when I got home I had to tell him while holding my shredded heart in my hands, while trying to hold his together. Through all the hurt, though all the pain, if given the choice I’d walk through hell, blind if need be, to find her and drag her out. I’d do it every day if I could have back the woman I fell in love with so many years ago.
Don’t waste time, it’s running out.
Due to my wife’s illness, and perception of the situation, coupled with a former “Friend” of mine crossing lines and contacting my wife out of anger for me, saying who knows what – I wasn’t even made aware when she died. My son did not get to say good bye, they would not allow him at the service, or speak to us at all. My Wife and I weren’t on bad terms. But, someone trying to hurt me ended up hurting my son more. My son lost his mom, and his Grandmother in the same week, and was left on the sidelines all because of vengeance.
You never know who people are. Even if you have known them for years. I cannot even believe the things that have transpired.
Hold your loved ones. Tell your friends how much they mean to you. Identify and walk away from the ones that truly aren’t your friends. Tell the people in your life you love them once a day.
life with my wife toward the end was a horror show. I used this site as an outlet for my anger always thinking that in the end I would be able to write about the good things that would happen in the future. It was always my hope that she would get it together, and be around for my son. I know it was a long shot. I know it was stupid. but, I always had a spark of hope.
That hope died when she did.
My son is shattered.
But, everyday we talk about one good memory we shared with her. Some times the only way out, is though.
OXOXOXO
Catriona