My office is a very odd room. I suspect it was a porch at one point remodeled to be part of the main structure. I’m not even sure what it is now, a mud room maybe? It’s a very narrow room with three very different doors on three different walls, complimented by very oddly shaped windows. I have beautiful french doors on the far end, and a very heavy, old, wooden backdoor-ish looking door across from a “french door wannabe.” The two are lined up sorta in the middle of the room. The only door that leads to the outside of the house is the “wannabe.” Essentially what this means is; Setting up furniture in this room was a bitch AND when I get really frazzled, I can just run through a bunch of doors in a fairly small circle, without ever leaving the house. Something I’m sure I’ll admit to having done at least a few times in a later entry.
Doors, ah, that leads me to the topic at hand. I was sitting at my desk drinking my coffee, enjoying my morning, when the french doors caught my eye. I instantly remembered I had forgotten to look for, and buy a frog. Why did they remind me of frogs? Fuck if I know. Not a real one mind you. Just a frog to send to my sister as I do when Holidays or special events come around. She has a rather unhealthy obsession with frogs, and possibly apples. I’m an enabler.
So off to the internet I went. I came across a website I’ve never visited before: SunTeckStore.com. So me and my coffee searched for “frogs” in the site search bar, and got nothing. Hmmmmmm pretty sure I just saw one on the front page… So I simplified it: “Frog.” Whoo hoo! Frogs were to be had after all! So I was perusing what a weird ass word all the frogage when all of a sudden I scrolled down to find THIS amongst all the frogs:
WHAT IN THE BLUE BLOODY HELL IS THAT?! Is that a penis sock?! Closer investigation reveals that YES it IS a penis sock, of sorts. It’s swim wear. For those times when you feel too uncomfortable to wear a speedo. If I had a penis I would order one in every color. I would go to public pools and test all those pesky socially excepted standards I keep hearing about. The real question here is: what does this have to do with a Frog and do I REALLY want to know the answer to that question? HELL YEAH I DO.
So after being far too amused by a penis sock I don’t get out much apparently, I decided to look around. You know, because when you find a penis sock in the frog section – you know you are in for a fierce game of “what the hell tops that.” So off to clothing and accessories I went looking for scarves, btw – only to be slapped in the face with THIS:
By this point, I was getting pissed. I happen to own a vagina, SO HOW DID I MISS THE MEMO ON THIS. What the hell is a C-String?! This thing looks like a DIY project gone wrong. Look what you can do with grandma’s old shoe horn! Besides the fact that I’m horrified by this concept where exactly does that “tail” go?! – I want to know exactly what geographic region this product sells the best in. I just have to know. I’m pretty sure I could accomplish the same effect with an old eye patch and I assure you, I’ll be trying that one out later.
So now I feel like I need to go brush up on my Kink. Cuzz, you know, when a penis sock and a shoe horn sneak up on you like that, you know you are behind in your game.
All because of the fucking french doors.
Jayzus!! I’ve been looking everywhere for penis socks and you just stumbled upon them?!! Christmas is back on!!!
Holy Crap Batman what a great idea!! These would make GREAT stocking stuffers! SCORE.
I couldn’t figure out how to comment. You visited my blog. I love your writing style. It is great. And that sock. lol!!
As I nurse my hangover, reading this brings me such joy and makes my head hurt a little less. I know what I am getting everyone for any occasion. Thank you for enlightening me!
I love anything that starts with “as I nurse my hangover.” Hahaha! You.Are.Welcome. Penis Socks for everyone! I must confess, I think I may buy one for myself. Penis envy, I guess.
You could like, store things in them. Nail them above your bathroom sink. The ultimate organization tool.
OOOOooooooooo I’ve never thought of that!
CreeAAATIIIIVITYyyyyyy
Thanks for the like on my blog! I am just starting out and any interaction is appreciated!
Oh? Is this your first time writing a blog? Good luck to you. 🙂
I have started a few others but never stuck with them. Trying to do a better job this time of writing more content and involving others. Thanks again.
I see, I have the same goal. Well that and entertaining myself.
Agreed…. Ultimate goal would be to get enough followers where I could monetize the blog and travel the world. Still think I am a long way from that happening!
Well you better start workin’ it then! lmao. I don’t want to monetize my blog, or any of my internet works, at this moment. I just want it to be a place that isn’t taken too seriously, by me or anyone else, that can make people smile, while I work out my anger management. Sort of like your fav hole-in-the-wall bar.
Probably more of a pipe dream than anything….. I really have a good job I just enjoy traveling and would love to be able to do it full time. Hole-in-the-wall bar is a great example for a good blog, somewhere you go to get away and take your mind off of the day to day. I like it.
Funny stuff here … I’ll be back for more.
🙂 I’ll be here all night… no seriously. . heh.
Hahaha- thanks for the like, because had you not liked my blog, I’d have never stumbled upon this. And you my blogging friend, are hilarious. And now I feel like I should buy a shoe horn 🙂
Or an eye patch. 🙂
This was worth reading just for the look on my husband’s face when I showed him the penis sock. But…these folks are behind the times. Many, MANY years ago (we’re talking about, oh, 45 years or so) my aunt knitted a penis sock for my 15 year old cousin as a joke Christmas gift. It had a string to tie around the waist and a little bead crochetted into the end. In retaliation, the next year he made her a brassiere out of enormous hollowed-out styrofoam cones decorated with shiny sequins and beads.
HOLY CRAP! Your family sounds awesome! I’ll Take em!
Done!
WHooo Hooo!!! YES!
I just died a little. How fantastic. God save us all.
Damn, if that killed you – hang on to your underpants, I haven’t even started yet. heh
I would have thought the thong was a headband. Color me embarrassed. And what the…seriously, cow-patterned welded thongs are supposed to bring the sexy? I hope I’m never single again.
Yeah.I.have.NO.idea.
Lol, fun read. I liked the bit about grandma’s shoehorn. Don’t think I’ll be buying a penis sock any time soon… Thanks for checking out my blog, appreciated.
No penis socks for you?! Well, not everyone can handle that kind of fun.
Thanks for your “like” and I read this one aloud to my husband in the car. Still giggling.
You know hubby needs a penis sock!!
Apparently, I’m shopping in all the wrong places. A penis sock would make a perfect gift. Even better than the calendar I wrote about last week that features coffins and cuties.
Thanks for the LIKE — This was a Hilarious post.
PENIS SOCKS FOR ALL.
Being a woman with lady parts I don’t personally need one. But this sure gives some fun to those folks who don’t want anything but socks.
hmmmm….. I think you are right. My friend asked for socks this year….
If only they had them at JCPenney. Walk out of the fitting room: “I dunno, Hon, what do you think?”
I KNOW!!!!
And suddenly I know what my boyfriend is getting for xmas. My thanks to your french doors.
My French doors aim to please (everyone but me).
[…] EDIT – Listen, you really don’t want to read this, I assure you. My brain was melting so I drained the fluid here. Do yourself a favor and just go HERE instead. […]
[…] I’m sure your friends and family hope you’re not, you are a lover of all things socks. Penis Socks, wool socks, fuzzy socks, ankle socks, golf socks and most importantly, today, the Argyle […]
[…] brings new meaning to the whole “Penis sock” thing. […]
Thanks for liking my blog! I’m just starting out.
🙂
The penis sock thing is lose lose for a guy. What if you order it and don’t fill it up? FAIL. What if you put it on and it’s to small. Then you have an oversized and odd looking hat on your pecker. But I guess his ears would be warm!
What!? Now you are gonna tell me guys don’t stuff?! COME ON. Chicks stuff all the time! STUFF THAT PENIS SOCK! However, if you are going to use them to warm your ears, I want photos.
I missed this comment somehow. So if the socks that fit my ears also fit my cock I would not be willing to share that information!
I wouldn’t want to admit that either. Also, stuff with what? Not a horrible idea to stuff but I can’t imagine what one might use.
HAHAHAHA! Alright, agreed. lmao
I had to read it twice!
And I am still laughing!
Lol! 🙂
Great post and, I got some gift ideas for a few people I know, thanks for the tips.
HAHAHAH! I’m glad to help!
Reblogged this on Defy The Narrative.
WoooHoooooo I got ReBloGged, yo!
And you were my very first reblog 🙂
Really?! YAY!
Yes, really:)
Since I first read this I think about penis socks too often, they were even the inspiration for a post of my own. http://defythenarrative.com/2013/06/15/dolphins-the-owsers-of-the-deep/
Ha ha, new use for old 50s headbands (not the 70s ones). Clip on art. As for weird ‘frog’ finds, here’s a funny google story. Before getting our Mexican Hairless pup, my daughter googled ‘Mexican Hairless’ to read about them. Uh oh!
Your writing is hilarious, not to be confused with Hilary-ous. And thanks for enjoying ‘Impressing Boys’.
NEXT STOP ON THE INTERNET: “Mexican Hairless.”
[…] due to, I assume a mental defect of some sort, I can’t quit thinking about since I first stumbled across them online a week or so […]
Dear Dizzy,
French doors are not so great nowadays. As a kid, my house had one. (or is it two?) Anyway, I also have a frog on my desk. A big, green blootter with a fedora. (French?)
Got no penis sock but I use a wind scock. (I wish.) I wouldn’t know what to do with that other thing. I don’t have a vagina, but I do have a big mouth. ? Again, I am stumped.
Very humorris! But I kept looking for an end. (I’ve got one of those too.)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
For a brief time in the eighties, there existed a performance troupe in the UK, consisting, if memory serves correctly, of two men and two women, who called themselves something along the lines of “The Furbishers”, or something similar (I’ve been unable to find any reference to them using Google). Their claim to fame was public appearances wearing anatomically correct body stockings, a practice which may have challenged contemporary social mores, but which also regularly landed them in the back of a police van.
Sounds like my kind of party! hahahaha!
I have never heard of a c string nor do I want to wear one. Except maybe in a show, because then I would have a good reason.
Hahahaha I settled for a strategically placed eye patch. Works…….
Too funny, can’t wait for future posts – I’ll be going through your archives (which sounds much naughtier than it is). I thought Everett would like a sock if they come in camouflage pattern, but he vetoed the idea and suggested I not bring it up again.
HAH! “Suggested I not bring it up again” I think that’s code. What he REALLY meant was “Hunny, Xmas is coming!” hahahahah!
BTW – Feel freeeee to rummage thru my archives, anytime. 😉 HAHAHAHAHA
Giggling at work. Boss is near. So good.
HAHAHAHAH! YES!
DEVIL-CHILD
HAHAHAH!
Yuk!! What is a man to do with the extra material of the sock if he doesn’t fill it in all the way?? Maybe cut it and use as wrist bans on the beach? I just don’t know…lol
I KNOW!!!! I just have so many questions (and suggestions) if only I had a penis! Hahhaha
very funny, I just HAD to find out what the heck was a penis sock. I guess I’m behind the times. now I know. I try to learn something new every day. Thanks for the education 😉
glad you liked my post on the melon collie 🙂
Oh I love educating people on alllll sorts of things. Hahahaha Stay tuned Capt Jill, stay.tuned.
will do, I tried to find a place to follow you, where is your follow button?
Should be in the left hand corner? See it?
BaHAHAHahaaa! Oh my gosh. I just laughed so hard I choked… can’t. make. words.
HAHAHAHAH!
I love when I make people choke. ahahahah!
Just too funny….that’s all I can say. LOL. (and…..Well done!). xoJulia
🙂 heh.
amazing. thanks for the like!
Penis socks ARE amazing!
This was absolutely awesome and I thank you…thinking I can be more brave with my own writing now that you’ve thrown the penis sock topic up on the table. Loved it!
Isn’t that where penis socks belong, on the table?! Heh.
Yes, be brave, be you!
are there penis shoes available too? what about socks for your balls (well, not “your” balls, but you know what I mean–damn, talk about an awkward comment–i guess i really put my foot in my mouth; well, i guess better my foot than my you-know-what, right?). thank you very much for liking my latest blog post. i look forward to reading more of your funny work.
ahahah! I’m thinking that a penis shoe would be a bit too much (but do I know?). However the penis sock covers the balls, as well as the penis. 🙂 So, it’s a two for one.
and HAHAHAHAH! how do you know I DON’T have balls?!
Well, at least now I know how to recycle all my old hairbands! Squeee…
LMAO!
I love this post ! It was hilarious ! Besides, the fact that what You found online was actually true, made it even more hilarious… if that was even possible ! LOL ! Thank You very much for posting it. I really needed a good laugh today, and this definitely did it ! 🙂 I’ll definitely be looking forward to Your future posts.
Agreed! I almost peed a little when I found it. ahhaha
You’re welcome! I’m glad to be of service. lol!
You are way to funny. I was LOL all the way through this article. I actually saw a ??lady?? wearing one of those C-bikini’s at a beach and thought what the hell? Wish it had been the penis sock though. That would have been more fun to see. 🙂
HOLY CRAP YOU GOT TO SEE ONE IN ACTION!? HAHAHAHA!
All Hail the Penis sock!
I happened to pull this up and started reading it when some sort of unwanted company was here. I was trying to be sneaky at first, but I burst into laughter and blew my cover. Great stuff! I don’t read a lot, but I think I’ll be subscribing and going through yours. Thanks for the laugh.
OH score! I adore making people laugh at inappropriate times! BAHAHAHAHAH!
You sir, are welcome. 🙂
BTW, the C-string deal looks a little like an ear muff for a one-eared person.
HAHA! Agreed! How ridiculous.
UGH. The internet can be a scary place. Where would this sock be appropriate?! I am really not sure. And the C thing? uh is that a sex toy? It can’t be considered undergarments can it?! CRAY-ZEE.
VERY SCARY. Very, very scary.
Brilliant. And completely inpractical to boot. Theres no strap on there as far as I can tell, so one well-angled dive-bomb and your johnson is sockless….
I thought that might be the point? No? HAHAHAH!
I cannot wait til Christmas. Penis socks and C-strings for everyone!
Perfect lift for a sucky day.
So I am amused that wordpress just sent me a notification of this post (as if it was new) which is cool because it was definitely worth revisiting 🙂
I’m glad you are back.
Hahaha! What the heck? That’s hysterical!!!
Is there a warranty against shrinkage?
I ugly laughed at this at work. So glad I wasn’t drinking coffee at the time. LOLOLOL