Enter Title here

Usually when I fall on my face, I’m back on my feet just as fast. No beats skipped. Usually, I brush myself off, shake out my hair (Yes, I whip my hair back and forth), scoop up my kid and keep going. I back down to no one, nothing. Nothing.

However, that doesn’t seem to be the case this time. I remember the exact moment I felt my brain unravel. It was like the moment of impact in a fatal car accident. But I wasn’t in a car, I was in my bedroom. From the moment I heard myself say “No way” on Feb 8th, I’ve felt as though I have completely lost my mind.

I keep being told that time will fix it – “You just need time to get back on your feet.” Bitch, I don’t even know where my feet are. Do I even have feet? Can YOU even see my feet at this point? Have they been stolen? They’ve been fucking stolen! Feet, ha. I’ve been down on my face for weeks. Every time I even lift my head, the Universe delivers yet another kick to the gut.

I feel everything and nothing, all at the same time. I’m on auto pilot. What’s worse is I’m pretty sure this auto pilot program was written by a drunken crackhead. I want nothing to do with anyone. Not even people I love. My son being the only exception. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want anything to do with any type of social connections. I’m not capable of handling other people’s emotions, at all.  The people I usually run to, I’m hiding from. I just want them all to stay over there. Over there, where I can keep an eye on you, but you can’t get to me. I feel nothing for them. Nothing. I know I love them. I know I do. I just can’t feel it. At all. Seems to be the more I care the thicker the brick wall I’m constructing. I know it’s unfair, I know it’s hurtful, I know it makes no sense to most. But, at the moment it seems to be what I need.. Lest I open my mouth and burn bridges I constructed in love. I feel poisonous. You should hear all the hurtful things I don’t say. I know why my brain is constructing such hurtful sentences. It would only take one or two to get you all to permanently leave me alone. My brain wants you all to go away and never look back. But logic (is it logic? Maybe it’s the fragments of my heart) is what keeps my mouth clamped shut. If I just keep you all over there, I won’t set you all on fire, my brain can’t get to you, and I won’t cause permanent damage to the things I love.

I’ve got two funerals to attend in the next two weeks, and next Tuesday is my first day back to work since the 8th. I can’t even function, but I’ve somehow got to pretend to be normal and not the complete lunatic I now am. Catriona was crazy, and I owned it. I loved it. But I don’t know what this is, I don’t know what I am any more.

Catriona

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12 thoughts on “Enter Title here

  1. Phil Taylor says:

    I don’t have any words of wisdom. Good luck with everything. I wish I had adequate words to help.

  2. onewithclay says:

    One of the paradoxes of being humans, and vice versa, is that when someone in our life tells you Go Away, You’re Only Making It Worse, Nothing You Can Do, Leave Me Alone, so often our autoresponse is Let Me Help, I Want To Make It Better, I Want To Do Something, I Dare Not Leave You Alone. From the understanding-the-universe standpoint, it’s ironic to note that there’s a book out there called WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE that has, by way of disclaimer, a chapter headed “Sometimes There Is No Reason.” I wish you healing and better days, knowing that that doesn’t really amount to a hill of beans. Over and out for now…

  3. Anonymous says:

    Good luck, Catriona. I also tell myself that it will pass with time.. It’s pretty much the only wisdom of our age…
    Take care of yourself and your son xoxo

  4. For those Over There, it will likely be one of the hardest things to face, for there is nothing harder in this life than to see those you care about suffering and be able to do nothing. It is a stark test, and some may fall away, though certainly 3 weeks is far too short a time for any reasonable person to expect anyone to have even begun to process trauma and tragedy.
    Those that truly love you and know you will accept it and understand it, will bear it as best they can, and somehow do their best to remain Over There, their love for you only increasing and deepening with their helplessness, and at such time as you may need, in an instant will go from there to Right Here for you.

  5. Shelley says:

    Ohh. I wish you the best. Maybe writing this post was a step in the right direction. Hang in there!

  6. Haji says:

    Sending you virtual hugs and love via the arm’s length of the internet. Not that you want advice, but perhaps it might help to hear that you have the universe’s permission to feel whatever you need to feel (or not feel) right now, in the coming days/weeks/months, and frankly for the rest of your life. The people that love you will get it, if you’re withdrawn, venomous or angry. The people who don’t aren’t worth your emotional energy. Do what you want in order to heal, and in your own time.

    • Hugs right back. You were also right Haji. I was (sometimes still am) all of these things, and I have some very wonderful people who continue to weather the storm each and every day. I would be so lost without them.

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