Dear Universe

You’ve broken my heart, and my head. Smashed them.

I feel like you’re punishing me for something. You are, aren’t you? I’m not sure what I’ve done, or how to repent, but you’re killing me. I feel like you don’t even notice. Do you even care?

You keep dropping me to my face, and gleefully kicking me while I’m down.

Two weeks ago I found myself clutching the phone with my head and shoulder while pulling the lifeless body of the person my son considers to be his other parent from the bed to the floor, for resuscitation. I found myself in the ICU for days; the noises of life support filling my ears.

This week I found myself in a different hospital looking down at one of my closest friends as he showed me how the surgery went. They took his leg to save his life. He’s not a candidate for prosthesis, he’s wheelchair bound, and elderly. And I’m so helpless it’s killing me.

Also this week -I found myself in a room hearing things like “PTSD”, “Time”, “Brave”, and “you should really resume writing”.  Resume writing? I don’t know how to resume anything, let alone writing.

That’s just this month. I’m so broken Universe, can you see this? I’m destroyed in places I didn’t even know existed. I don’t even feel human anymore. I feel poisonous.

What have I done to you? How do I fix it?

Catriona

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12 thoughts on “Dear Universe

  1. Phil Taylor says:

    You’ve already started doing what you can. I’m glad you reached out into the blogosphere. Btw, if you need to bend an ear please email me. I hope your husband is OK. You know what? The rest of your life is going to be a piece of cake compared with what you’ve been through recently. Like I said, if you need a sympathetic ear…authorphiltaylor@gmail.com

  2. Breathe. Just breathe. Keep your son in the front of your mind. I’m sure comforting words from us, your avid readers, don’t help at this point – but they will. Just breathe and the chaos will slow down. You are not alone in spirit, even if so in physical place. Talk to us if you have no adult at hand.

  3. mytiturk says:

    I am breathing for you: Breathing in suffering – breathing out peace. Or trying, anyway…

  4. rubypearlmt says:

    When you’re going through hell, just keep going. Every once in a while, the universe chucks a year so bad at you that bad things happen in exponential numbers of three. Breathe. Move. Don’t feel that you have to make the best decisions at all times. Decisions are simply choices that open different doors. And when you get through–and you will–go and dye your hair purple. Somehow, it’s quite helpful.

  5. Morguie says:

    Oh Catriona, I am sorry you are going through so much…I wish I could say something that could help but there is nothing, girl. I would try but that would make it worse. I know it’s hard. Hang in there. You know I am always in your corner if ya need a friend.
    Hugs, CJ

  6. Handbasket says:

    How horrible. I can’t imagine. Lots, and lots, and lots of love.

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