August, move your ass.

And, it’s August.

My son goes back to school soon, he can’t wait.

We have to be out of our temporary place by the first of September. I have been working my tail off to get the funds together to get us moved, and to find a place to go. I found a place last min, phew. It’s beautiful. Currently, I am about $500 short, but I am hoping by the 1st I will have enough. First, last, and security is rough. I just keep moving forward, and trying to be positive.

THANK YOU, to those who have donated. <3

We are so close to being back on our feet, and getting back to normal. Well the new normal. lol.

As promised, when we get settled I will send out updates to all that have donated. Just make sure you E-mail me your address to Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com

I’m SO ready for fall. I am so ready to be settled, and done with this chapter of my life. lol.

Things have been getting better. The Universe has let up a bit, and for that I am thankful.

I hope all of you are doing well, too.

XOXOXOXO

Catriona

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gofund.me/vwme5d5d

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Understanding (underestimating?) PTSD

Feb will be two years that PTSD and I have been together.

And you know what? There are still days and months that are just like the first week of Hell that ensued after that day. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD “Comparable to soldiers coming home from Iraq”. That’s an actual sentence from my Medical record. Do you know how horrible just that sentence is? I didn’t fight in a war. Though, I now have one in my head. Almost two years, and EVERY DAY I still have issues. Every day. Every day, that one single day plays in my head, over and over, or it echos in my ears, or both. Everyday I fight my own head just to breath. Everyday I wake up, take a deep breath, and try to make it better than the last. You know what happens? I fail more than half the time, haha…And telling me I need to “be more positive” only shows that you’ve got no clue what PTSD is. Lmao.

PTSD is having the BEST convo with my son, after having had the best day together, then all of a sudden I’m crossing through a 4 Lane crosswalk, holding my son’s hand, when my PTSD decides for NO REASON at all, to take over both my vision and hearing.

Yeah.

It’s being curled up in the lap of a friend, for over an hour,  as he tries to hold you so close that you KNOW it’s hurting HIM, as you cry because you’re Ex wife text you something stupid, after an already trigger filled day.

Yeah.

You know what I’ve learned in the last year and half?
A.) Most people sincerely THINK they know what PTSD is.
B.) Most people are wrong.
C.) I’m not crazy. Sorta. Ha.
Annnnnnd worst of all D.) Most people, even if they care, don’t do much research. Why? See A.

This article is one of the best I’ve read, and I’ve read many. So, imma leave it right HERE.

Now excuse me while I go try pretend to sleep. Lmao.

Catriona

XOXOXO

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Gram’s got my back (I’m obnoxious)

Excuse me,  you and your girlfriend just cut my mom off.- me

(In public,  I call Gram mom. All you Grams understand why.)

The fuck I did. – Asshat in line with the girlfriend.

Oh my,  you look like you’ve had a bad day… – me

YOU look like you need to get LAID. – Asshat

*laughing* You couldn’t be more right,  your girlfriend available? – Me

CATRIONA! – Gram

What? She’s hot,  don’t you think so? – Me

You ARE very pretty Miss.  – Gram

*smiles at the chick* – me

*Chick smiles back*

WHAT THE.. – Asshat

I’m sorry we cut you off, here go ahead. – girlfriend *smiles*

HA!

Also,  she wasn’t pretty and Gram whispered so in my ear later.

Oh man,  you aren’t kidding.  – me

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Spots of Happiness

About three weeks ago I found myself standing in my Grandmother’s Bedroom while she told me not to waste my time packing in there, she didn’t want it. We went back and forth, she refused to take any of it. I finally agreed she was right, told her we wouldn’t take it. She walked from the room very upset. The moment she did I emptied every piece of jewelry, which is really the only hobby she has, into several bags. I then handed those bags to one of my closest friends and asked her to take them to her truck, discreetly. I then quickly found all of the personal things I knew she would miss; her mother’s address book, gifts from her father from her childhood, her mother’s personal items, things my late Grandfather had given her, her scarves she loved so much, notes from her children when they were young, letters she treasured, and packed them up without her noticing. We left the house that day with a fraction of what my Grandmother owned.

And then I waited.

Today, Grandma came to me very sadly and said, “I left all my memories in that house.” She named several things she had refused to take – things I had my friend help me sneak out of the house.

“Nope, I am the keeper of your memories.” and I walked from the room. I heard her laugh.

I returned with all items I had taken behind her back:

“I don’t listen very well.” (I don’t, never have) and I laid all of her stuff on her bed. I watched as she went through it all in shock.

“I have a little bit of everything back, Thank you.” She said after putting it all away in her room.

I swear I smiled for hours.

She’s not going to remember what I did for her, but she will have her things that remind her of happy times in her life.

When things get hard, look for the spots of happiness. 

OXOXOX

Catriona

Below is my Go fund me.

If you donate, make sure to also send me your address to Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com so that I can send you out an update card when I get us all sorted out. OXOXO

gofund.me/vwme5d5d

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The Brighter the Light – the Darker the Shadow.

You know life is hard when your French press breaks. Haha. Damn it all. Seriously? NOW?! What the hell? Hahaha. This one didn’t even go like the last one; this one was killed, by mistake, not by me. Sigh. Lol.

I’m going to stand on a corner with a sign that says “Need money for French Press.” See where that gets me?

LMAO

Not much going on. I’m doing Yoga again, meditation. Neither of which I am enjoying. Lol.  Doctor’s orders.

Can’t do much in this town without everyone noticing. I’m the only one with colored hair. Facial piercings seem to be unheard of here. I stick out like a sore thumb. What’s new? However this is to a degree I haven’t experienced in years.  I’m a complete oddity here with my proper Grandmother, and seemingly normal son in tow.  Lol.

I’m back to blasting my Ipod in my ears 24/7…just in one ear, so I can still hear the house and Gram.

It’s sooooo HOT HERE. AHHHHH. I mean, I am used to Florida Hot, but this is ridiculous. It’s even hot right now, and it’s 2:19am!

I am trying to write every day. It sucks lol. I am trying to go back to some of my previous projects, I just don’t have time. I feel like I am trying to grasp at something to make me feel normal.

Spent most of the day at the Hospital with Gram, she had tested all today, and all next week. All of which I have to attend. I swear my life was meant to be accompanying someone, or actually being in, a hospital. LMAO.

Thought about my friend that died recently. I guess I can’t help it, that damn painting is stilling on my desk. Ha. Sigh. I guess I should have known, he called me shortly before he died, and gave it to me. Bastard knew he was leaving, and never said a word. I didn’t pay enough attention. He was in another state, I was trying hard to keep my head above water..I wish I had been in a better place, for him.

One of my Orchids is looking like it’s going to bloom. Odd considering it’s been pretty rough looking since last May.  I’m fucking rambling now. I thinking I am trying to kill time before I have to do that fucking Guided Meditation Crap. Haha.

I used to love to Meditate. Now, I do it two times a day, and it pisses me off. Thinking it’s having the opposite effect desired by my Doctor. Hahaha. Who the fuck wants to get up earlier to make sure they fucking meditate? Not me. Lol.

I guess I should try to sleep, I have to be up at 8am for appointments, and such. All without a French press. Kill me now? Please? LOL

OXOXOX

Catriona

Below is my Go fund me.

If you donate, make sure to also send me your address to Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com so that I can send you out an update card when I get us all sorted out. OXOXO

gofund.me/vwme5d5d

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Thankful Wrecking Ball

I have so many things I have to be thankful for – That’s what I woke up thinking this morning.

I was lucky enough to find a place, albeit very small, that we can use while I gather the money to get a three bedroom, now that I am also responsible for my Grandmother, not just my son. I am thankful my son is so intelligent, I am thankful he has grown into someone who can see for himself, and form his own opinion. I am thankful for my dog, who has become my son’s best friend, and blanket thief. I am thankful that my Grandmother’s Stroke happen when several of us where there. I am thankful my son was smart enough to call 911 even when his “Grandfather” was yelling at him not to. I am thankful for the job I have, though it makes me want to punch people. I am thankful for those of whom have shown there true colors, and stood by my side. I am thankful for my Ex Wife (hold on to your pants here, lol) for opening my eyes to a variety of things, good and bad. I am thankful for the friends I have made through this blog. You guys, a whole lot of you have shown me so much kindness. You friendship has seriously helped me when I was, and am, at my lowest. I am thankful for those who have been kind enough to help us through our GoFundMe account. So, So thankful.

Then, this afternoon came swinging in like a hammer. I can’t go into much because of my Grandmother’s husband, and the divorce, but you guys already know that she had a stroke. You know that I was in a bad place financially beforehand. Well after the stroke Gram told me some alarming things, and I SAW some alarming things. Things that no person should go through, and she decided she needed to leave her husband. I had a week to liquidate my belongings so that I could take my Gram far away, at her request. I ended up selling, and giving away all of my furniture, and what’s left of my jewelry to be able to move her a great distance to safety.  I accomplished that. I have nothing left to my name, and I am ok with that. This afternoon I took my Gram to the Neurologist. I watched in horror as they performed the same tests on her they did my wife, and I watched in horror as I realized the diagnoses they are driving at. They didn’t tell her yet. There are more tests to do, and then they will tell her. The Neurologist sort of alluded to it, but my Gram didn’t catch it. I am beside myself.

This woman just got away from an abusive husband only to have THIS happen.

All those days/ weeks/ years in Neurology centers, Hospitals, and research with my Wife made it possible for to see exactly what I am looking at. And, it’s horrifying. I have been crying for hours.

It makes my living situation even more dire. I needed first, last, and security before for just my son and I. Now, I need it for my son, myself, and my Grandmother. First, last, and security is insane for a three bedroom. I was taking on a second job, but that may not be an option after the results of Grams appointment today.

I said I would always take care of her, no matter what. AND I WILL. Somehow.

Also my flippin’ dog, that was supposed to be fixed WENT INTO HEAT. COME ON. SERIOUSLY?

LMAO.

I hope you all are well. Now that I have internet access, I will be back more often.

Hugs to all of you, even that one weird guy.

Catriona

Below is my Go fund me.

If you donate, make sure to also send me your address to Catrionaiscrazy@gmail.com so that I can send you out an update card when I get us all sorted out. OXOXO

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gofund.me/vwme5d5d

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Annnnnd I swear I’m not a crackhead

Hi guys,  I have no Internet where I am so writing/posting /life is hard. 

A quick update: my Grandmother is not ok. I can’t go into it, and I will fill you in when I can.  But,  what I can say is I am full time caregiver of my Grandmother.  She is getting a divorce, and I have managed to get a place for all three of us to stay for the next few months until I can get first,  last,  and security for a place that will fit us all. I am Miles/HOURS away from the town and life I knew,  as to keep my Gram safe. 

At this moment,  I have no place to go in four months, have another dependant,  and yet to get enough funding to secure a permanent place, SMH.

My Gram’s Divorce is a NIGHTMARE. Nightmare.  I can’t even begin to explain.

I feel like a ping bong ball,  and I swear I donno which way I am going.  I just pray that I can get the money for a place soon.

I’m in this sleepy little town alone with my Gram and kid. Thank the stars I can walk to most places as Gram doesn’t drive,  and neither do I.  She’s not functioning,  so I’m it.  Just me.  I love her so much. I just hope she recovers  from all of this. 

So,  I went to the little market about 25 mins down the road.  I grabbed the fruit, bacon, and Jam that I needed,  asked the cashier to put my items in plastic,  then in paper,  as it was so hot out,  and off for home I went. 

So,  I am walking home,  it’s so hot I can feel my mascara sticking to itself,  and my phone rings. I answer it,  and I am talking trying to jungle the phone,  and this giant damn paper bag while making my way down the road….. And then my flip flop rips apart. I kid you not, this thing just exploded,  there was no saving it.  It looked like I stepped on land mine.  I’m twenty mins from home,  walking bare foot in a small town,  carrying a bag that I am sure looked like beer, sweat pouring into my eyes to the point that I could not see,  my mascara turning into toothpaste on my eyelids causing me to twitch,  talking on the phone,  all the while trying to cross the one and only crosswalk, pretending I don’t know I look like a complete and utter homeless crackhead.  Hahahahah.

I’ve been here less than a week and I’m already making a fantastic impression. Lmao. 

Really,  I swear sleepy town,  I’m a hot mess,  but not THAT kind..

I just want to reach out to ALL of you that have been so wonderful to me. I’ve received notes and emails just checking in.  It means the friggen world to me.  I’ve received donations to my God under…. Did Auto Correct just correct “gofundme”  to “God under”?  What? GOD IS UNDER WHERE?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  Er. Em.  Ehem.. Anyway… To my GoFundMe,  and I’m so grateful,  I wish I could express.  I’ve received e-cards and even  a life like portrait someone drew of me that I CANNOT wait to share.  It’s so flippin beautiful. I will be sharing that as soon as I can get to a place with Internet to properly link and showoff,  and stuff. 

Just.  Thank you,  all.  I WILL respond to all of you,  like always.  Just give me a few.  I’m working threw my phone only,  and it’s a bitch.  I just typed this all on my phone.. My thumbs hurt.  Lol

I love and hug you all.  All the time. 
Xoxoxox
Catriona

SCREAMING

This morning, my Grandmother called me to invite me to see my Aunt, who came in last night. She didn’t sound right, and her “I just didn’t sleep” excuse didn’t sit right with me. We weren’t expected to see each other for hours, but I started to get dressed. It’s only an hour walk and something didn’t seem right.

By the time I pulled my pants on, Gram’s number flashed accross my phone. I didn’t get it in time, so I called back. My son, who was visiting for the afternoon picked up and I will never forget his words.

“I think my Grandma just had a stroke.”

I got nauseous. I knew it. He was in tears. I ran out the door and sped toward my Grandmother. My son stayed on the phone with me. The Paramedics came and then WENT because her Husband refused to let her go to the hospital,  insisting she was fine. I heard this and made the 60 min walk in 25 mins.

I walked in and she was sitting at the table with her Husband  (not my Grandfather,  he died years ago) and it took her a min to recognize me. First flag. Her behavior was not that of my grandmother. She was slow, and only half there. I said something about a Doctor,  and her Husband JUMPED DOWN my throat. I knelt at my Grandmother’s feet and asked her “Do you trust me?” She slowly said “of course”, and I so I looked her in the face and said “Then I need you to trust me that you’re not ok, you need to come to the hospital with me, your husband is wrong.”

He started screaming about throwing me out of the house, and HE WAS THE MAN OF THE HOUSE (Charming, no?). But, she descreetly nodded her head, and I set about getting her to the hospital.

30 mins later, a fight and threats of harm coming to me “when I least expect it”, I had my grandmother in the ER. They skipped intake because of how visible her symptoms were. She indeed had had a stroke.

My. Grandmother. Had. A. Stroke.

WHAT THE FUCK. Seriously have my son and I not suffered enough? Have I not lost enough, not to mention what I am about to lose with my housing situation.

I’m still sitting in the hospital. She was admitted. She is still slurring, But awake. She’s still slow, but I’ve been making her laugh for hours. She’s going to be here for days.  And so am I. I’m not leaving her side.

You guys already know who I am since I posted my GoFundMe, so I get to be lazy and post things from my Facebook instead of rewriting them. ha.

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I hadn’t eaten all day, I can’t go to the cafe, it triggers my PTSD (I’d rather not go into it I’m sure you can guess), but I have to bribe people to go to the cafe for me, but it flippin closes at 4pm. wth? Upon hearing that I hadn’t eaten, one of the nurses brought me anything that didn’t contain meat, that she could get her hands on. hahah.

I guess it pays to have spent years in and out of this place with my spouse that the nurses STILL know me. Sigh.

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I refused to leave the hospital. Went toe to toe with my Grandmother’s Husband, and the Hospital Staff. I won.

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I’m driving her nuts in the best kind of way. My grandmother is very proper. And I’m the only one that would get away with returning from the in room bathroom to say: “Don’t worry Grams, I didn’t pee in your hat.”

I’m not going to sleep for days. She’s sleeping now, and I’m fighting anxiety issues, and trying to pretend I’m fine every time to opens her eyes to make sure I haven’t left.

Please Universe,  take it all from me, but not her. Not yet.

Catriona

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Reaching out, Outing myself to the world

The last few years have been hard (heard HORRID). For those of you you regularly follow me, you know.

I’ve written anonymously here for years. I had always intended to keep it that way. I also always intended to be happily married without PTSD, with no reason to ask for something like this. Ha. Life. (Don’t know what PTSD is like for me? Click here.)

If you had asked me a year ago if things could get much worse, I would have laughed. 

One of my biggest flaws is refusing to ask for help. I’ve been working on it since the Universe hit the reset button on my life in Feb 2014. Click here if you don’t remember. Or Here. Or Here Or Here Or heck, heck take a gander from Feb 2014 to present. 

I’m drowning, and I need help.

Never in my life have I had to do anything like this But, I am doing this for my son.

I’m losing my home. (Hold on, PTSD is calling me away)

Ok, I’m back.

I made a Gofund me account yesterday, and had to put all of my horrible life details on the internet, for all to see, in hopes that I will get help.

Life has let my son down, so, so many times. I just can’t let that happen again, so I swallowed my pride and my fear, and I am outing myself to the World.

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This is my son and I.

And I am asking for help.

gofund.me/vwme5d5d

My stars, you don’t know how hard this is for me.

Even if you just SHARE this, that will help me.

Anyone that helps us will get a card from us, updating how we are, when we are settled.

I know everyone has issues, and If you can’t help THAT IS OK. But, if you can, even a little, you would be helping two people who will forever be grateful, and who ALWAYS Pay it Forward.

 And you will get a card from my kid, he loves sending cards. lol

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart for even reading this.

OXOXOX

Catriona

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Nope

I’m at a loss. Life has been just ridiculous. Lol.

The last month has brought me some horrid pain.

Not only was this month my Anniversary, it would have been 2 years. It was my Exes Birthday, but it’s also the month I found out that a dear friend of mine has passed away.

I found out via a fucking Google search. The family never phoned me. I felt it. I ran away from it for a while. I finally Googled him to make myself face it.
So alone in my office, I read one of my closest friend’s Obituary. He had been gone over a month by the time I got to the obituary. I was never told, never given the chance to attend this Sevices. He left April 2nd. Hell month. Great. And the day my favorite Grandfather died. Great. Thanks for all that, Universe.

Seriously, WTF. WTF?

This same friend that lost his leg, and almost his life the same month I found my wife dead in our bed is now also gone.

I’ve been out of work, and between my financial ruin, my love affair with Pansy, and the vendetta The Universe has for me, I’m tired. I’m just so tired.

I’m tired of being used. Someone always gets something out of being close to me. What have I gotten? Ha. I’m tired of working my ass off and getting no where. I’m tired of thinking positively, helping others, and getting walked on.

I’m tired.

Catriona

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