WHAT?!! (Warning post made in a facility that may contain clowns) *EDIT

It’s August! Yep it is, do you know know what that means?! OCTOBER IS ALMOST HERE. Gosh I love that month.

HOWEVER. Did you know that August contains National Clown Week? WHAT? I sure as hell didn’t, and I’m pretty mad at myself about it. I’m all about Clowns HOW DID I MISS THIS? I didn’t get a memo, WHO FORGOT TO SEND THE MEMO!?

I hate when I miss the memos. I feel like it’s another C- string moment.

I only know because of a post on The Coulrophobia Blog (click here), and WTF HOW DID I NOT KNOW?! AHHH!

I still can’t say the word ‘Coulrophobia’, by the way.

I’m pissed. PEOPLE, START SENDING ME THE FRIGGEN MEMOS. 

That is all.

 

OXOXOX

Catriona

* So apparently I’m a jackhole. Hhahaha Mocha DID give me a memo about this, I’m just ridiculous and forgot. HOW THE FUCK I FORGOT THAT IS BEYOND ME. However, WHY IS MOCHA THE ONLY ONE SENDING ME FUCKING MEMOS ABOUT THESE THINGS?!

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You better watch it, or she’ll deck you.

(For the record, I haven’t actually decked anyone in a long time. I think.)

 

Do you remember the Humpy-the-Post-office-Guy? (if not, click here)  Wellllll……I went into the post office the other day. (HAHHAH.) It’s too bad there was only a few people in there. So I get up to the counter, and the Teller points at me and says something to the other tellers that I didn’t catch.  (I by the way, had forgotten about Humpy, momentarily) All the tellers get this HUGE smile on their faces and BURST into laughter. One of them yells “You better not stand too close, or she’ll deck you.” This went right over my head:

Me -Huh?

TellerYou don’t remember that?

Me -Threatening to deck someone? No. 

Teller - That guy the other day. 

Me -OH. That guy. Yeah. He was humping my leg. 

 

By this time one of the Tellers disappeared and reappeared with the Post Master who was laughing so hard I thought he was going to split.his.pants. 

 

PM -You know you were the talk of the whole office. 

Me -Oh?

PM -Yeah! But, really that guy is hard of hearing.

Me -Um, ok, but he was standing so close to me I could feel his gender. 

PM & TellersOHHHHHHHH we didn’t know that. 

Me -Uh, yeah, and I had moved away several times, even offered for him to cut me in line, yet he continued. 

PMOH we had no idea. 

Me –  Yeah, and I am pretty sure him leaning in to whisper in my ear, so close that he is touching me, has nothing to do with his deafness. 

PM & Tellers – OH! (weird silence)

Me - Yeah. Anyway, I’ll see you guys soon, and we will see who else I can yell at!

The entire post office erupts in laughter. 

 

BTW – a woman in line butted in to say how she would have kicked his ass. UM, NO. We don’t beat on the elderly. We reprimand them. Stupid chick.

Hell, when I’m that old, I will be copping a feel. I just hope I will still have the ability to acknowledge a hint at that age.

 

Photo dump time!

Theses are from the other day. I went for a really long walk.

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Have I mentioned I like abandoned buildings ?

 

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Catriona

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STOP HUMPING MY FRIGGEN LEG.

So, while in the Post Office, standing in line with about 15 people in front on me, I feel and hear a whisper in my ear “you need to move forward”.  Now this guy was so close to me, he was just about touching my neck. I moved forward, said something about him not having to be so close to me, and continued filling out my label. Not even 30 second later he was right up against me again. Soooo, again, I moved a bit forward trying not to crowd the woman in front of me. Annnnnd again he moved so close to me  that he could have been humping my leg if he twitched even in the slightest way. So, I am sure we all know what I did next.  I causes a ruckus. I’m damn good at causing a scene.

I yelled something about him “humping my Fucking leg” and “I’ve moved three times because of it, you do NOT need to be that close to me!”

Small USPS store means the whole office, patrons, and all the tellers heard.  The guy put both of his hands on the counter as if he was used to being made to account for his hands, and said not a word more.

I went to the next teller, and as always asked how his grandbabies were while everyone stared are the freak behind me. Snarl.

UGH.

 

Anyway. I have a photo dump for you all. These are from the last few days.

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One of the loves in my life.

Walking around the last few days to clear my head.

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Also, while in the store I found some Spotted Dick – I’m VERY familiar with that. But, what the hell is Treacle (in a can)? And, is it just me, or does it look wayyyyy worse next to the Spotted Dick?

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On my way home yesterday this was on the sidewalk of a construction site:

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Hope you are all well.

XOXOXO

Catriona

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Out with the Mush, in with the Orgy! (Disney Boobs = NSFW)

Monster Orgy that is. Don’t worry, you’ll understand in a few.

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My last post was entirely too mushy for my taste. I’m so glad beyondpaisley help me out: 

someone pass gass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSaex1lLSsI

.

.

So,  in order to further negate the mush – I am going to share (over share? maybe).

My closest friends are better than yours.

Do you know how I know? THIS:

 

This is a card Mocha gave me a few weeks ago.

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Are you starting to see why my friends are better than yours? No? let’s have a closer look:

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That’s right Bitches. I got a homemade Disney Soft Porn Card.  Oooohhhhh Yeaaaaahhhh.

and if that wasn’t enough, ohhhhh wait for it. .

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You open the very same card, and ….

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BAM!

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MONSTER ORGY.

Yep that truly happened to me. HAHHAHA!

I enjoy it more and more every time I look at it.

When I’m feeling sad I just take a big ol gander at my Soft-Porn-Disney-Monster-Orgy-Card.

It makes everything better. Go ahead, try to feel sad right now. I Dare you.

(Mocha’s gonna kill me. BAHAHAHHAHAH)

Catriona

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Wonderful Team Membership & Rose of kindness

Thank you Belsbror for nominating me for the Wonderful Team Membership Award. It’s taken me a while to address it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not honored. I’ve hit a lot of assholes and pothole along the way this last year, and it seems I’m just now getting back on track (I think?).

Belsbror is one of my favs, so go check out the site if you don’t already.  :)

 

I really, really (REALLY), adore reading about all the lives that are going on around the world. You are all so darn interesting. I’m so incredibly happy to be able to share the web with so many wonderfully weird, crazy, fascinating, and just lovely people.

 

Simple rules:

1.Display the logo on a post. Done..ish, not on post…but you can see it below. lol

2. Link back to the person who nominated you. Done

3.Nominate 14 readers other bloggers and inform them via comment in their blog sites. Nope. See below.

 I’m changing the rules. 

My nominees are:

Anyone. EVERYONE. Anyone reading this. I’m happy to be a part of the blogging club, lol, and you know what? Even if you’re a complete turdball, I think you should be acknowledged. HAHAHA. So, I nominate YOU.

 

 

 

 Belsbror also nominated me for The Rose of Kindness Award. I’m glad that I was delayed in acknowledging this one, and I will explain why in a moment. 

Thank you Belsbror, for the nominations. I heart your page, like, alot.

 

Some rules to follow:

1. Add the Rose of Kindness Award on your blog. Done
2. Thank the person who nominated you and link back to his/her blog. Done
3. Nominate 13 bloggers whose kindness you have experienced. Done, and I’m thinking I may exceed 13 on this one. .
4. Post why you are nominating each of your nominees. Done.
5. Let the nominees know that you nominated them. Done.
6. Suggest one special act of kindness that the world may benefit from:

My suggestion is this: My world is you crazy people (and maybe some other non virtual people, maybe). Keep being yourselves. You were all there for me when I needed you.  You have all shown your colors, and they are beautiful. Each one of your acts of kindness toward me within the last few months has shown me that you are perfect just the way you are, and need no suggestions. The actual world – should take lessons from all of you.

My nominees are:

(click on each to visit their page)

1. CaptainReluctant Rlsh

2. Morguie

3. seattlepolychick

4. Phil Taylor

5. Haji

6. bethy

7. Here’s one I made earlier

8. The English Professor At Large

9. Shelley

10. beyondpaisley

11. Rhino House

12. Jeff

13. Phil

14. Handbasket

15. Anonymous

16. onewithclay

17. rubypearlmt

18. mytiturk

19. Ethel and Everett 

 

I’ve nominated you all because each of you has shown me that the world really still is full of compassionate, just truly wonderful people. Thank you, each of you, for your support when I fell on my face, and helping me realize that not being ok for a while – is perfectly fine. I’m so grateful for each and every damn one of you. <3

I’m happy that I fell behind in my awards, because this one, this one is special.

 

Now, Enough of this FUCKING MUSHY STUFF! SOMEONE SWEAR. OR PASS GAS, OR SOMETHING! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Catriona

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Who do I have to sleep with…. (NSFW).. and um, Clown. I think.

to get some damn Horseradish Cheese?! Seriously.

I am serious, who?

 

 

I have no idea what I’m going to write about, and yet I can already tell I am going to need to add a NSFW disclaimer. Although.. I am SURE if you have been paying any amount of attention – that probably should go without saying. Haha. But, just in case we have any newbies ..let me just slap that up there..alright annnnnd we are good.

It seems I’ve been coming to write here less and less. I should knock that off.  So MANY things have happen in the last 6 months. Terribly bad things, and some incredibly enjoyable (and then some). So I think we should play “Catriona Catch up”, which for the record, is waaaaay different than “Catriona Ketchup”. That’s just a friendly FYI if you didn’t already know.

Alright, on with the Recap of how fucked Catriona’s life is! Hahahah.  It’s not going to be very detailed, for the most part. I just feel we should all be on the same page here. lol.

So if you have been following me, and there are a lot of you that do (I see you), you know the month of February was life altering annnnnnnd I lost my face. And my head, and some other things I really need. My son’s other parent went into the ICU at the same time as one of my closest friends. Both were close to death.  (Oh and my sister committed the ultimate betrayal.)

Then the months kind of blend together. Hell lived in my house, and my heart.

My friend went from losing a leg, to having two heart attacks, and several other potentially life ending situations, to a nursing home. It continues to be a “Fresh Hell” rollercoaster every day for him (and those who love him).

In April, April? Yeah April, no. Maybe May? I have no idea. Anyway, one of those months brought my mother the gift of Cancer, again.  I was still on my face from February.  

June brought out the inner tool in my brother (who lives with my mother), which apparently doesn’t take much these days from what I can tell. He will never redeem himself from the things I have since seen and heard. Never. 

I dropped some weight. Lost my boobs. If anyone locates them, please return to the address labeled.

Also in June -I traveled to see my mother. She is dying. We’ve become closer than ever. She’s a mess, but we are dealing with it.  I stayed with my best friend who single handedly healed some of the broken parts of my head that had been smashed into dust in the previous months, in less than 2 weeks. I will forever be in his debt. I love you, Mocha.

I got to consume Horseradish cheese. (SCORE!)

I finally figured out what rhymes with “Hug me”. BAHAHAHAHA.

What else, what else…oh yeah..

I got to hear someone actually say this to me:

“My penis is not going anywhere near your mouth. For both of our sakes.”

HAHAHAHHAAHHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH. 

 

 

I tweeted this (in case you missed it):

when a guy

and I'm not sorry

Lets see.. what else happen?

 

OH, I threw my son a Minion party. It was a blast.

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I wrapped water bottles in duct tape and made, sigh, twinkie (gack) minions. hahha. It was held outdoors. You know you did something right when every child goes home covered in mud from head to toe. lmao. My son loved it

 

Lets see…

OH OH OH! I found the Golden Tip!

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I know you were looking for it. You are welcome. 

 

This also happened:

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HahAhhaAH The boxes in white are me.

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Weird stuff goes down in my phone. LMAO

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hmmm what else happened in the last few months…

I learned the truth about bananas:

nana

I think that’s all I got.

I think you are all caught up.. WAIT NO. THIS HAPPENED TO ME:

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This was sent to me via my Best Friend, and I, um. I love clowns I do. BUT WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!

FUCK. Now I have to go put up a Clown warning. .

Alright, I think we are done with the recap. HAHAHAH!

Also, I’m just going to leave this here: 

hahahha

Hope you all are well, LMAO.

Catriona

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Please excuse my penis

 

 

 

I was writing for hours the other day, and neglected to pay attention to the candle burning on my desk. It spewed all over itself and my desk.. producing what looks like a, well…I will let you decide.

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Now you’ve seen my penis. Feel special.

Catriona

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To answer your questions

My other half did survive. I’m not sure I did.

It’s a struggle every day. There was permanent damage, still recovering. May never recover.

I am a single parent again, taking care of 3 people on one income. My poor son was diagnosed with PTSD last week, too. The whole house is damaged.

The universe and I are fighting.

My son, for the first time in his life has asked for a big Birthday party with his whole class and just one gift. It just so happens that the gift is very expensive. This is a kid that never asks for anything, so I am struggling to make these things happen. Sigh, I’m failing at the moment, and on a time crunch. Friggen’ Time, I wish I could stop it. I may actually take up standing on the corner, lol.  I was asking for an STD a while back so this is fitting, don’t you think?  haha.

I know I haven’t responded to anyone, I will, I’m just a wreck. I will tho, when I find my head, or an STD.

Catriona

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I’m just gonna leave this here. .

and then maybe explain later. Maybe.

 

 

whoa

 

 

 

 

Catriona

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Mother’s Tentacles

I was looking in the  “Mother’s Day gifts” section in Etsy.com …..and I found this:

 

 

mothers day

See it  HERE

 

 

I think I need it. hahahah. I was looking for something for Grams, but I need a tentacle ring! LMAO.

The things I find, Bahahaha.

Catriona

 

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